If you have come out, how did your parents/friends react? Can you remember the most positive and the most negative reaction? What arguments did your friend/parent have in both cases?
Since I've had to come out about my gender identity to the same people several times, I got them quite confused, and my friend still can't figure out how to address me, and another friend aka ex-partner addresses me interchanging genders all the time.
The most negative reaction to me coming out about my gender identity was probably my mother's attitude to it as something she didn't control enough, "you just have no shit to do". The most negative reaction to me coming out about my sexuality – her father saying "during Stalin's rule they shot people for this" with clear approval. Arguments? Never heard of them, why think at all?
The most positive reaction both about sexual and gender identity is still the one I got from my very first friend Rihard who transferred to my school in 7th grade – he identified as bigender at that point, so for the first time I met someone who treated me with understanding and as a person. Despite all of my misconceptions about myself leading me to a huge mistake more than once I'm still glad I got supported back then – if it weren't for Rihard, things could probably end not in a transition, but in suicide because of self-hate and loneliness.
How did you grow aware of your gender identity? Please tell more about it.
Signs of BPD started showing already in childhood and teenage years. At 9 I started developing gender dysphoria - I hated myself, couldn't bear reality and escaped into my own and other people's worlds, imagining myself as a character even in ordinary life. Shit is bad with representation of gender nonconforming women, so the characters were male, and it started leading to resentment towards my female body. I started developing gender dysphoria, my personality began to fade - after 16 I was only fueled by the dream of Fute Me as a Man who would be a completely different person. I think I lost myself at around that time, because I still feel like in development and perception I am around 16.
At 19 I spent a year on testosterone, cut out my uterus and ovaries and at 20 changed my documents to male. After changing the documents I suddenly had some important questions - what's happening, what does it change? Why am I doing this? After the original joy of reaching my goal I started to realize I didn't understand what was happening.
I climbed out of characters, for a short while I felt enlightened and even accepted myself somewhat.
In July 2018, at 21, I made new documents and for a few months was on estrogen hormone replacement therapy. I have to say, the detransition turned out to be a lot harder than the transition - I'm one of those people for whom it's very hard to admit their mistakes. Besides, I became a girl who looks like and is perceived as a trans girl at the beginning of her transition: my voice had become completely masculine, I had a stubble that many trans guys would be jealous of, male pattern baldness, there had been fat redistribution and my figure was closer to a male one apart from my breasts and lack of a penis.
So, in spite of the fact that I changed my documents, I was scared to go outside, I wore tons of foundation to cover up the stubble and mostly tried to keep silent. The mother also added oil to the flame, saying "it was all my own fault" and that I "ruined my whole life". I literally lay in the bathtub and screamed, my mental state deteriorated drastically - I didn't take antidepressants for several months, I was strangled by fear, the realization of my mistake and that "it was all my own fault". One film was enough for my consciousness to tell me "okay, wait, maybe the transition wasn't a mistake - let's get back in character, it's nice there". Again I stepped away from myself, unable to deal with reality. For a couple of months I looked for solace in calling myself non-binary, thinking I had "internalized non-binary-phobia". About that time I was finally diagnosed with BPD, but I'm smart, I don't need doctors, right? (wrong)
All things considered, I got back on testosterone at the beginning of Novemeber, deciding it was all just denial, which was the easiest. All that was left was to find a commission that would allow me to change the gender marker in my documents back to male. Sadly, it all happened very fast and already when I was going to the registry again (my boss was beyond surprised as fuckI realized both my mistakes and the reasons for them. But I was too scared of the necessity of another one (4th one) hormonal change, and my looks became even more masculine than before, so I decided to try and come to terms with it, get back to characters and get used to the male gender role.
I kept trying for about a year and a half. Sometimes it worked without even trying too hard - sadly due to BPD I always adopt the way other people see me and mirror it, taking up this perception for myself (I'm not talking about gender identity only, but in general about personal qualities and the way I act). It never lasted very long though, and as soon as I went home from my job where I was perceived as a guy, I got back to myself.
I have to say that what got back me to reality was love for a person, because loving someone and being "in character" at the same time turned out pretty much impossible for me.
The relationship grew from one between partners to one between relatives and friends, my state began to grow worse again (I've noticed a tendency of my mental health growing worse in summer) and I understood an important thing: we are all going to die. If we are all going to die, is it that important if I die of cancer because of a bunch of changes to my hormonal balance, get hit by a car, beat up by homophobe thugs or commit suicide? If not, what will I lose if I try to fix everything?
By no means am I justifying my actions or pushing for impulsivity when it concerns HRT, but I was feeling like shit, I was going nuts, my life seemed like hell and I understood that I wouldn't be able to take it much longer, especially if I have to pretend to be someone else for my whole life.
Right now I've been on Estrogel for 5 months - I switched to it from testosterone after consulting an endocrinologist. I will only be able to change my documents in three years after I graduate from the college I've enrolled in, but that sort of calmed me down a little - for too long I've only been thinking about transitions, ever since I was 16, when I started going through doctors for my first commission. Now I'm going to slowly move toward my goal, training my voice and epilating my stubble with a homemade epilator given to my by one genius trans woman.
I actually don't like to use the words "gender identity" about myself - for me it's not about identification, but first and foremost about self-acceptance.