Do you remember your childhood?
Yes. My parents were divorced. I was raised by my grandparents. Well, I haven't seen my mother in more than 15 years. She just showed up 2 years ago. And I stopped communicating with my father 4 years ago. Well, I was in contact, because I lived with my grandparents on my father's side, and 4 years ago I stopped. The reason was that I went to a psychiatric hospital 4 years ago and after that, when he came there, he behaved a little inappropriately, and after that I didn't want to communicate with him. This is the first reason, and the second - he found out about my sexual orientation.
Have you ever come out?
No, I haven't. But if people ask me what my sexual orientation is, I answer honestly.
What is your relationship with your mother?
When she showed up 2 years ago, I talked to her a little bit… And just six months ago, I told her that I would not communicate with her, because we are different people, plus we have completely different moral standards. I haven't seen this person in 15 years! How can I communicate with a stranger? She was busy with her life. At that time, she was married 4 times. We have 4 children in our family and I am the eldest... she left us all. She is such a sort of person. She led a wild life and now continues. She has been suffering from alcoholism for more than 7 years. I saw this, and I told this person that if you want to continue communicating with me, then stop drinking alcohol, because I do not use alcohol at all, and this moment is unpleasant for me. But this person told me that she is an adult and that she decides what to do. That's it…
How did you become aware of your sexual orientation?
Well, I've known who I was since I was a kid... The only thing is that before I was 26, I was married twice and tried to somehow isolate myself from this, I was ashamed of my orientation. And at one time I realized it, but I was still ashamed… And I realized that I was falling even more into the abyss, because after graduation… I was already divorced and then I had another wedding. I was heavily using drugs and alcohol at that time. Just because of this. Plus, I've become addicted over time. As a result, I went to a psychiatric clinic for help and worked with a psychiatrist, talking about my problems.
So you went to a psychiatrist because of your sexual orientation and drug problem?
There were drug problems... I started seeing hallucinations. And then, when the specialists started working with me, they tested me… One doctor, I remember, explained to me that I should be sincere with them and then, perhaps, they will understand my problem and find the solutions. And I was sincere, and then I was told at the end, when I had already passed the expertise, that this was my illness, in fact… This is such a strange behavior of the individual. That's what they linked everything to… my orientation.
Do you remember your first love? How did the first relationship develop?
Yes. I was 13 years old. In the end, there was a lynching of me. My grandparents have a dacha where I liked to spend time. We had a neighbor, a guy who was 4 years older than me. And I liked him. Well, it turned out that I liked him. And he understood that, by the way… In the beginning, it was a secret, I didn't tell anyone about it. Then, we had a sexual act, and everyone found out about it from him. That was in the ' 90s. Everyone was not loyal to it, and he protected himself… He was both a victim and a hero, boasting who he has found. Well, because of this, there was lynching. And it was a specific lynching that a lot of guys came. Almost armed with pitchforks and rakes. Because of that a 13-year-old child is like this…
Over time, of course, everyone grew up and all this was forgotten… And now sometimes I see, he comes to the dacha, walks with his children and sees me sometimes… But we don't greet each over.